A Nanas' Love

As Esme and Baya have grown up a bit more, the miracle of speech has delighted me more often. The heck with syntax, they will learn that all too soon. Ditto gender differentiation. It is hilarious to me, to listen to them refer to Max, the old male Pug as "she", or "her". Here is a fairly typical sentence, and do keep in mind, they are not quite 3 1/2 years old. "Does her have to go outside, Nana?" Or, again, "Why you still sleep Nana, Max,he want to wake up now!" This second observation just after midnight, when Esme wandered into 'my' (where I stay at their home) little studio half asleep, wanting to climb into Maxies' crate and spend the night there....

Esme, I suggested, you will both get squished in there, sweetheart, come lay down in Nanas' bed, and get under the cover, it is freezing in here, as I am at an age in life where I cannot abide by a warm room to sleep in. And the twins wear nothing but little pull-ups to sleep in. They rarely can be convinced to put on one of their lovely nighties, but I think they are nudists at heart. So the poor child was shivering. And of course, refused to get under the covers. I said fine, but just feel how soft and lovely this flannel duvet cover is against your skin. Nice, she said, and allowed me to wrap her up like a "burrito". However, she would not move over to make room for me, and I was terrified she would topple out of bed during the night and crack her head open, for a change. An all too common event for these fearless and stubborn little girls.

So I did something I remember my own mother doing, and pulled a big chair out from under the desk, and lined it up right next to her, so that if she happened to roll out of bed, she would end up sleeping in the chair! Oh I felt so very clever, and she didn't fall out of bed either, happily.

When I awakened that next morning, I found my pleasure had doubled, and both of them were in the room with me. Baya was standing in the doorway at about 6:00AM, and soon their mama, my dear baby girl found them, brought them their morning milk, which they hung around in my bed drlnking, and giggling, and talking to me, while I tried to catch a few more hours of sleep. Ha. How naive I am to their ways.

One question followed the other until I gave in. First and mostly their questions surrounded letting Maxie boy out of his crate. I told them, if they let him out, they would have to take him outside to go do his "business". Which meant carrying his chubby self down the stairs, and walking around until he made his poops in this new and strange territory. He is used to living in the forest, not the city, and the slightest new sound distracted him. He didn't eat or poop for almost 5 days before I stuffed him into his crate and brought him back here to be with his 'sister' and 'daddy'.

It was a lovely reunion for them all, and a heartbreak for me. He is almost 12, and the love of my life. But I must leave him behind when I leave here for good in a couple of months, because he is too uncomfortable to change his way of life at this age. In exchange, I get to spend time with my little lovelies everyday - my granddaughters, and my precious daughter and my wonderful son-in-law. They are very good to me, and are taking me in until further notice.

My marriage of nearly 20 years has fallen apart and only causes pain for us both. There are no children at home to stay together for, and why torment each other any longer? The love we have for one another will never die, but unfortunately that doesn't mean we can live together. Perhaps it can be said of us that we make better friends than lovers. Our marriage has been disintegrating for a long time now, and the pain it causes us both has gone on long enough.

So making this kind of change at my age - 59 - is almost terrifying, but I will be brave and be done with it. I will paint more, and spend time working on my personal issues, and try to help my daughters' family as much as I possibly can. Those are my goals and that is my direction. And try to hold myself together.